Forever Sparkling
by tookkia
Summary: Renesmee walked into their Mathematics class first, her hair blowing back suddenly with flair. She frowned. That was always happening for some reason when she entered a room...Parody! Ridiculous and upright topsy-turvy! Read if you enjoy a good laugh :D
1. Gorgeous

**Before anyone shoots me, let me reiterate in case you did not read the summary. This is a parody. **

**Again. This is a parody!**

**So things are going to be all out of whack lol, especially with Edward. And Bella. And Jake probably. Basically, I'm going to exaggerate each character to an unimaginable length. It's going to be ridiculous, and hopefully hilarious. But that doesn't mean I don't love them all still. I've just been so tempted to write one of these that the time has finally come. Enjoy! Oh and please review, I really appreciate them.**

**I do not own any of Stephanie Meyer's work, solely the plot to this story (as messed up and vague as it's going to be…).**

**

* * *

**

"Edward, hurry up already!"

The tall, gorgeous vampire got out of the car, his windswept hair blowing dramatically despite the fact that there was no wind whatsoever. Behind him, another vampire followed. And then another. And another. And another.

Before anyone knew what was happening, seven gleaming vampires stood on the freshly snowed parking lot, and for a second time literally stood still. All eyes focused on them, because even as they stood the vampires were in picture mode, eyes sparkling, teeth shining, muscles ripping despite the fact that they wore jackets.

And then realization hit. A diamond-like glare reflected off of a nerdy boy's glasses.

Edward yelped. "Get in the car! Get in the car!"

They filed back into the small vehicle, somehow managing to get in without actually going in one by one. When they were safely compacted inside, Bella finally spoke.

"I think … they might have … seen us?"

Alice rolled her eyes. "Well of course they did! We were shining, what do you expect, Bella?"

Bella turned her head down. "Sorry. I just have a bad habit of stating the obvious."

Edward cupped her face in the palm of his hand, stroking it gingerly. "It's ok, Bella. That's one of the reasons I fell in love with you."

"And I love you, Edward."

"Jazz, please."

Jasper nodded, focusing his super power on the two vampires already getting ready to shred their clothes off, disregarding everyone else completely. Within seconds Bella and Edward were scowling.

"Why couldn't I have a power like that! Now we can't get it on anymore. I feel so indifferent." Edward whined.

Alice shrugged. "We need to figure this out first. When we get back home you guys will be having sex all you want."

Bella and Edward's faces shone with delight. "Really?" they both asked.

Alice nodded, her eyelashes fluttering madly. "Oh yes. I've seen it." Because of course, only a psychic like Alice could possibly see that coming.

"Anyway," she continued, looking out the window. "I'm seeing that the coast is clear now, and the sun is no longer out. We can go to class now."

Renesmee—who up till this point everyone had forgotten, too busy with their mates—gushed. "Wow, Alice. You're so good at fortune telling."

Alice smiled back. "I knew you were going to say something like that. My visions just got all blurry and I saw myself smiling. So I knew it had to be you."

They filed out of the car again. Luckily for them the humans would have forgotten that they sparkled in the sun. There was no exact science to how they knew this. Humans were just stupid. Bella had proved it to them on several occasions.

They entered the school and separated to their various classes. Each had their own except for Edward and Renesmee. Since it was her first time in a public school she needed to be supervised. It was Bella's first time as well but she wasn't a liability. Her ignorance seemed to come in handy when it came to human blood, so luckily for them she could ignore it completely. Renesmee, being a bit brighter, was indeed a burden. Too much temptation could prove lethal to them all.

Renesmee walked into their Mathematics class first, her hair blowing back suddenly with flair. She frowned. That was always happening for some reason when she entered a room. The boys in the classroom immediately perked up. She was the most beautiful girl they had ever laid eyes on.

Then Edward walked in.

And Renesmee was immediately forgotten, because let's face it, the half-human part in her—Bella's part—could never rival the magnificence of drop-dead gorgeous Edward Cullen.

All eyes fell on the godly-looking creature, and Edward stopped, basking in the light, tousled hair flapping sexily across the front of perfect eyebrows—he'd made sure to pluck them before class—and ruby lips arching into the most stunning smile. He didn't even have to hide his vampire teeth because statistics showed that more people tended to find that kind of stuff incredibly hot. And again, humans were too stupid to realize vampire teeth usually meant that person was a vampire.

It went without saying that ninety percent of the classroom was already head-over-heels in love with Edward. Even though half the students were male. Because Edward just seemed to have that effect on people, turning even the most macho quarterback into a flamboyant fangirl.

Renesmee, already having found a seat in the back of the class, heard a tap on the glass. She looked towards the sound.

Standing there with his tongue hanging out was none other than Jacob Black. In wolf-form. Of course, no one else in the classroom noticed, they were still too busy ogling Edward.

She tentatively pulled the window open. Jacob's tongue all but lapped her face when he was able to stick part of his face in. Renesmee refrained from grimacing. What decent girl wanted dog slobber on their porcelain face? Of course, because it was Jacob's slobber she would accept it. For some reason she just couldn't bear to see the blubbering Quileute leader upset.

"What are you doing here?"

The wolf's head disappeared suddenly, and in place stood a handsome, dark-skinned man, roughly between the ages of 16 and 25. No one could ever really tell, not even Jacob himself.

"I had to see you, Nessie."

"But I'm in class, Jake."

Jacob rolled his eyes and motioned towards the other side of the room where Edward was busy slouching casually whilst entertaining the rest of the class with his various impressions of Shakespeare and Frost. Renesmee shook her head. This was math class for crying out loud!

Jacob caught her hand in his. "It's ok, Nessie. I still think you're the most beautiful creature in the world."

Renesmee sighed. Something about the way he said these kinds of things, it made her heart flutter. But she knew better than to fall in love with him. He was taken, though by whom she had no idea. She had heard all about the imprinting business, as well as Leah's story. No need for her to get tangled up in something like that.

"Thanks, Jake."

Jacob smiled, so brightly it almost blinded her. "Sure, Ness."

And then he was gone. Though Renesmee couldn't be too sure, she was still blinking away the inexplicable beam of sunshine that sprouted from her best friend's teeth.

She huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. It was so unfair.

* * *

**Ok, these will be short chapters of course. As you may have noticed, there isn't exactly a plot yet. Though when I do decide to continue—if you'd all like me to, that is—there will be one. And it will be fabulous and satirical as well. Please review! **


	2. Drama

**Hmmm, not too much feedback. No matter, I will continue the nonsense :-P**

**I do not own any of Stephanie Meyer's work, solely the plot and ridiculousness of this story.**

**

* * *

**

"There you go, all better now."

The girl could only nod dumbly, too mesmerized with the angel tending to her open wound to notice anything else. Blood was still trickling down her head, but heart-wrenching beauty has always been more important than anything else in this world so no one paid it any attention.

Carlisle smiled brightly, a smile so bright every nurse in the hospital had to stop and stare. Somewhere a patient screamed—apparently the glare from the stethoscope was so blinding it burned. Not that the nurse was aware.

Carlisle pretended not to notice, removing his coat on his way out with a curt nod towards the receptionist. Luckily for her he wasn't anything like his son, Edward—Edward taking off any article of clothing could have killed the girl from hyperventilation.

Whistling on his way to his car, Carlisle walked jovially. He took careful, measured strides, allowing only the most reasonable of 'hair-flapping' and smiling with his lips closed this time. He knew how important it was to seem inconspicuous.

Without a backward glance he finally reached his car, something oddly reminiscent of the Nightcrawler. Humans would never notice, of course, he was a doctor after all. And doctors could afford ridiculously, expensive cars.

It was when he was finally in his unbelievably expensive car that his phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Carlisle, it's Rosalie. We have a situation."

Carlisle answered calmly. "I'm on my way."

* * *

Chaos.

Alice, Bella, and Rosalie struggled with the blond vampire, using their combined strength to pull him away from the oblivious cheerleader not ten feet away. Even then, however, he continued to pull away slightly, because apparently men are stronger than women in the vampire world as well.

His venom filtered out with each millisecond, dripping in streams down his chin and pooling into a puddle at his feet. Said puddle proved to be most unfortunate indeed.

Just as the trio thought they had a good grip on Jasper—

"Ah!" Rosalie slipped on the drool/venom, causing Bella to stumble forward as well. Only Alice, who had seen the incident coming but said nothing for some reason—some might have called it 'convenience'—managed to stay upright. As a matter of fact, just as soon as Rosalie slipped on the puddle, Alice was already gone, sprinting towards the unsuspecting cheerleader.

One might question why Alice hadn't done this in the first place, but of course we must remember that when it comes to sparkling vampires, drama is everything.

Several things happened at once: Rosalie sputtered and stood up in a flash, angrily combing her fingers through her now drenched-in-vampire-saliva hair; Bella blinked before realizing she was on the floor; Emmett continued to laugh not two feet away—he would never help the situation, not when the whole thing was too hilarious to pass up; Renesmee entered the cafeteria from somewhere else—though no one really noticed; Edward stared—looking glamorous nonetheless—with an open mouth at the horror, knowing but not really helping the situation; Alice shoved the human cheerleader behind her back and Jasper—

Stopped at the last minute in mid-lunge. And before anyone could blink, he was gone.

The cafeteria crowd continued as if nothing had happened of course. For a long second none of the Cullens moved. True, most of the time humans are pretty much blind when it comes to vampires and their actions—especially shiny ones—but this time there was no way they hadn't seen.

And then Edward smiled, pointing towards a spot of sunlight filtering in from one of the windows.

Everyone suddenly smiled in understanding—except Bella, but no surprise there. Making their way back towards their dilapidated table in the corner, Emmett gave Edward a high five.

"Brilliant, bro!"

Rosalie, now combing her drenched hair vigorously—tangles carelessly ripped out of her skull, though no one questioned where she was going to get more hair from. When it came to vampire hair the phenomenon was strange indeed. It didn't exactly grow back (how could it when they supposedly stay as they are?), but upon blinking twice, it was always there. The Cullens, along with the rest of the vampire world, just assumed it's another magical thing that comes with being sparkly—just remarked sarcastically. "Yes, quite intelligent indeed."

Renesmee tried to praise her father but before she could utter a word, Bella voiced another several. "Wait. What just happened?"

Alice turned to Bella with a reassuring smile. "Bella, Bella, Bella. Don't you remember that we glisten in the sunlight?"

Even though it was a straightforward question—and an obvious one at that—Bella still nodded slowly. Alice continued. "Well, Edward used it to our advantage. Whilst we were struggling with Jazz, he stood directly in that sunlight patch."

Bella still looked confused. Alice just continued smiling—it was rare to see her do otherwise. Renesmee managed to interrupt before she could continue though, because, seriously, why was it always Edward or Alice explaining things? She was intelligent too, dammit!

"Mom, dad used the sparkles to blind everyone else in the room. So they didn't see anything."

They gave her a moment to take in the information. Finally after a whole minute, Bella frowned. "But, we can't blind an entire room with mere sparkles. No matter how beautiful we are."

This time it was Edward who responded. Placing a gentle hand along her cheek, he gave her a smoldering look before telling her. "Love, you forget one key component. We are beautiful, as you say. But I am more than that." He arched an eyebrow, one Rosalie scoffed at. "I'm gorgeous. My sparkles are much more powerful."

Bella would've blushed if possible. Instead she nuzzled into his hand, closing her eyes. "I know, Edward. Half of the world knows that, according to Seventeen Magazine. Don't you think me of all people would know that? But," she opened her eyes, "blinding an entire cafeteria with a mere glare? That's impossible."

"No, Bella. When you're a vampire, nothing is impossible."

"That's right. We can do anything." Added Alice.

"We're invincible!" laughed Emmett.

"And you need to get used to it already. Seriously, Bella. Didn't the transformation take any toll on your brain?" chided Rosalie.

"Yeah, Mom, you—"

"Oh no!"

Everyone turned to look at Alice, whose eyelashes were fluttering psychotically again. Renesmee grumbled. No one ever listened to her anymore. She blamed it on her lack of sparkle ability.

Edward spoke first. "We have to go. Now."

* * *

Jasper raced through the forest, his anger dissipating alongside appeal. He didn't understand it. He wasn't even as new as Renesmee, so why was the temptation so strong still? Even Bella had proved stronger than he had ever been his entire life. What was her secret? It couldn't possibly be that she was just that ignorant, could it?

He shoved away two trees in his path, ignoring the muffled shouts from some campers nearby—so long as he didn't suck their blood their deaths were not his problem. He was running so fast he paid no attention to the moving body coming in the opposite direction.

_SPLAT!_

Despite how graceful vampires are believed to be, there was nothing quintessential about the state Jasper landed.

"Ow! What the hell!"

Opposite him the wolf whimpered, dashing back into the trees to phase. Jacob walked out with an extended hand. "Sorry about that, Jasper. I was just—"

Jasper ignored the offered hand and quickly picked himself up. He could feel the confusion in the other's head and grumbled. _Great, now I have to explain to him how I almost attacked a human …_

"Look, Jacob. I almost—"

"Jazz, no! Stop!"

A butterfly-like vampire swooned in from somewhere behind and tackled Jasper before he could utter another word. He would never understand how Alice always managed to be described as 'pixie-like' or anything synonymous whilst even in the direst of situations.

Jacob surveyed the scene with a frown. His brows furrowed and then suddenly they arched in suspicion. "Wait a minute. Jasper. Your control. You didn't—"

"Of course he didn't." hissed Alice in response.

Meanwhile, Jasper—who was pinned beneath Alice—scowled.

"But he almost did, didn't he?" retorted Jacob angrily.

Alice looked away in answer, her short hair blocking her face for any response Jacob might have been looking for.

Not that he really needed it. The silence was more than enough—isn't it always? The change in behavior was immediate.

Fumes began to emit from his flared nostrils, his ears became pointed, and his hands balled into fists. The most prominent change, however, were the rapid growth of his muscles.

Muscles are an understatement. These were not just muscles, but mountains of chiseled iron, so rigid and defined even a nearby squirrel had to peek out and enjoy the view. They bulged deliciously, menacing but somehow still very tantalizing, incredibly so, as if he'd grown a foot taller and a diehard six pack within two seconds. And despite this swift growth, his jean shorts managed to stay on exactly as they had been before, just as tight and snug, enhancing his muscular thighs and buttocks. The sight was mesmerizing, impossible.

Of course, we must remember that wolves, in addition to ridding the world of not all evil but of all vampires, also have the ability to become super sexy within seconds.

Jacob stood there for a moment, the trees seemingly enchanted as they parted to allow a ray of sunlight through to spotlight his glory. His cropped hair became untangled and he arched an eyebrow, angry but still maintaining his yummylicious demeanor. "Jasper," he spoke, and even his voice seemed to have deepened, no longer the normal-but-sounding-like-I-might-be-gay tone he usually fostered. "You better run."

And the chase was on.

* * *

**Review please :)**


	3. Brains VS Brawn

**Ok, I think I went a bit overboard with my original chapter three, thus this is a rewrite. And because I haven't updated in quite a while (long story, once again adapter related), I'm also posting chapter four. Hopefully I can maintain a semblance of satirical fun and not just over-the-top irrelevance. (Edward being vain, not stupid after all, that's just too OOC) Take two!**

**And thank you for the support, I appreciate it beyond the extent of the moon ;)**

**I do not own any of Stephanie Meyer's work, solely the plot-or lack of-in this story.**

**

* * *

**

Jacob ran. In fact he ran so fast Jasper was actually behind him for a duration of the time—despite their acute sense of smell, shape-shifting wolves never seem to be able to catch blond or redheaded vampires.

Luckily for Jacob, however, Edward, who'd just arrived on the scene, was ridiculously faster than the whole lot put together.

"Hey there, Jacob."

_Hi, Edward. Sorry, can't talk right now, I'm going to kill Jasper. I'm following his trail right now, but for some reason it's hard to pick up._

"That's yesterday's path to our house. You passed Jasper about three minutes ago."

Jacob turned his muzzle to face Edward, his head shifting into an almost Scooby-Dooish 'Argh?'. Edward couldn't help but wonder—for the three thousand, four hundred and seventy-second time—how in the _hell_ his brilliant daughter had been destined to live the remainder of her eternal life with such a moron.

As if right on cue, Jacob halted to a stop, realizing his mistake—or Edward's words barely registering.

Damn, there's so many of you it's hard to keep track I guess. Ok, well I'm headed back—

"Not so fast, Jacob."

_What the—_

But Edward was too fast for him. Being as inhumanly fast as he was, Edward had managed to lock on a collar with a leash onto Jacob during his moment of realization. And because he was so quick, in that same moment, he'd also managed to use the power of the sparkle to meld the end of the leash into the ground.

Edward laughed, admiring his handiwork. "Well what do you know, you do look kind of cute like that."

Jacob growled, pulling on the leash to no avail.

"Oh, it won't budge. That's vampire proof metal. Which means it's even more strenuous on your type."

_My type! For your information—_

Edward suddenly looked up when another set of thoughts filtered through his head.

_Jake, oh Jake! Please don't hurt Jasper! Daddy will kill you if you do!_

He groaned. "Great, Nessie's on her way."

Just then a blond blur raced past, stopping only momentarily to flash a brilliant smile in the tied up wolf's way. Time slowed, allowing Jasper another super star, slow-motion moment. It appeared these moments usually occurred in the most vital of moments, and often for only the most gorgeous of sorts.

Jasper was one of the elite, apparently. Because although time decelerated for him, Jacob still couldn't move fast enough.

Edward suddenly looked up, yet another set of thoughts pushing themselves into his head. Only these thoughts were much more important, much more intriguing. In fact, the mere sound of these thoughts, their opportune appearance, were enough to send Edward over the edge—if you know what I mean *wink wink*—but of course such graphic imagery could not be displayed in front of his oncoming daughter.

"Dammit, Nessie, why did you have to inherit my unnatural speed?" Edward grumbled. He scanned the forest behind him in search of his brunette beauty, frowning slightly when all he saw was the bronze head of his daughter.

But then suddenly—

"Jake, don't worry I'm on my way, I—oof!"

Renesmee toppled over onto the floor, and rushing by her, with arms outstretched in front of her.

"Bella!" Edward managed to breathe out. The sound was airy, almost as if he was out of breath, which technically he wasn't. Bella emerged from the trees and practically ran into Edward's waiting arms.

"Oh, Edward! I was so afraid Jake might hurt you when you tried stopping him!"

Edward waved a hand in dismissal. "Nah, he couldn't hurt me before, what makes you think he can now?"

"Oh Edward!"

"Oh Bella!"

Um, I'm still here, Edward. If you guys are going to jump into hot, steamy sex, please do it elsewhere. Besides, Nessie is on her way.

But of course, the couple paid him no attention. Grumbling as only a wolf could—growling?—Jacob turned away and settled himself on the other side of the tree he was tied to.

* * *

Alice was pissed. Not only was her blood-thirsty mate about to be annihilated by an overgrown-but-somehow-still-shiny-coated-kind-of-adorable wolf, but her hopes of rescuing him now lay in the hands of Edward and Bella. _Crap … Damn these short legs!_

She urged her shorter legs to carry her faster, swifter through the forest, foliage and brush becoming a meld of squashy green stuff and rich brown. Her visions were unreliable—_Great, Nessie's probably nearby, too_—and a cold, fear seemed to grip her non-beating heart.

_Jasper, please be ok, I can't be without you …_

And then suddenly the trees thinned, the squashy green stuff lessened, and the ground became sturdier, transitioning from a rich brown into the murkier, but sturdier hue of gravel. And standing upright, with wavy, blond, hair flowing gently across his eyes, looking even more beautiful amidst the bland environment—anti-sparkly vampire constituents believe 'bland' was the real reason the Cullens moved to Forks, to stand out even more so—was Jasper.

"Jazz!"

She was in his embrace within seconds, completely ignoring the remaining mannequin-looking people nearby. Lucky for Alice and Jasper, vampire love has a tendency of drowning everything else out.

Renesmee arrived on the scene, her face immediately distorting with the bare upper bodies of her parents not five feet away. Fortunately for her, the over-abundant green of the forest hid the more scandalous act.

"Ew …"

She made her way around the tree to where her overgrown pup lay and crouched down to pet him behind the ears. He immediately lifted his head to nuzzle into her palms.

"They just don't notice me anymore, Jake."

Jacob's hind leg started to shake.

"It's like I'm invisible or something."

His tongue lolled out, and his entire body began to shake, as if in uncontrolled bliss.

"I mean, I don't ignore people or treat anyone bad, so why should they do it to me? Just because I don't sparkle as much as they do?"

The fur on his body began to recede, Jacob oblivious. Where there should have been a tail there was no more, and his ears shrunk down to their original state. Before anything could register, Jacob was in his human form, too immersed in the soft hands scratching his head to notice he was butt-naked save for the shorts tied around his ankle.

Renesmee was still too busy playing with his hair to notice.

Suddenly Edward screamed. "Oh my goodness! He's showing his—"

Renesmee fainted.

* * *

**Review please :)**


	4. Eyewitness Squirrels

**As promised, here's the next chapter of Twilight semi-crack. Just in case you read my original chapter three, you might want to go back and reread it—I rewrote the entire chapter. Enjoy!**

**I do not own any of Stephanie Meyer's work, solely the plot to this story—if there ever is one.**

**

* * *

**

Edward was still screaming. Eye-witness squirrels still swear they saw him lift up an imaginary skirt revealing Betty Boop legs and high heels. In fact he screamed so loud, Bella had a rare stroke of common sense to quickly clothe herself and slap him.

Edward looked aghast, before returning his gaze back towards the naked shape-shifter and his unconscious daughter. It wasn't that he'd never seen another man's … well, you know, _thing_, but the fact of the matter was that he really did love his daughter. Seeing her faint because of the atrocity was too much for Edward's neurotic brain.

… Edward's left elbow was lifted … his knuckles cracked … he raised his arm back … back … so far back a wind-up toy would be jealous … and then quickly, so quick even the slow motion effects had no power in capturing the movement, his arm swung forward …his grin broadened, a beam of sparkliness shimmered … a bird crashed into a nearby tree…Bella's jaw dropped, and—

_SLAP_!

Edward b&!h slapped Jacob across the face.

Hard.

There had never been such a slap. Even the trees seemed to tremble with the resounding echo. It thundered across the landscape, a rumbling hum, startling bats in the nearest underground caves, upsetting a lonely woman's groove, and giving a certain police chief the extra push he needed to finally get rid of the extra saucy steak he'd consumed and hadn't been able to 'poop' out properly for the past week.

One might have called it glorious, the greatest slap in all history.

Silence ensued for a blinding second. Renesmee's breath hitched, her hands flying up to cover the gasp she emitted upon impact. Bella could only stare in horror.

Jacob's wide eyes lowered into dangerous slits. His muscles were already at their maximum bulge level and so Renesmee instinctively took a step back. He was angry, furious! She could already see his upper back muscles trembling meaningfully, as if little gremlins might pop out at any second.

Bella, however, was not as moved. Be it lack of comprehension or the more mild ignorance, she moved quickly, grabbing Renesmee off the floor—away from said wolf's shaking hands—and performed an encore of slaps.

Nessie's frazzled state quickly calmed Jacob down, though in the back of his mind he promised: _Edward, you're so going to pay for that_. _You're lucky this chain limits my space!_

(Eye-witness squirrels agreed Edward mouthed the words 'Yeah, right' after this.)

But meanwhile—

"Nessie, wake up!" Bella hollered.

Of course, we must remember that Nessie is indeed half-vampire. It only took one smack to revitalize her. Bella seemed to be the only one who didn't get this memo, however—

"I'm awa—ow! Mom, I'm awake, stop!"

Bella was already going for another whack when another hand stopped her. Standing tall beside her, she looked up into dark brown eyes. Luckily Jacob had his shorts on this time otherwise certain _things_ would have been harder to avoid considering Jacob's hip area was perfectly eye-level with Bella's face.

"Bells, she's awake."

Bella looked towards her daughter, hesitantly nodding her agreement before releasing her and moving back towards her husband. Edward was still eyeing Jacob warily, and was about to say something when—

_Don't even think about it, Edward. You and Bells are no better, having sex in plain sight._

"That's different. Vampires have uncontrollable libidos. Plus my extra sheen makes it even harder to resist." He responded with a glare.

Jacob rolled his eyes, turning his back on the couple and reaching out for his wide-eyed imprint. "Come on, Ness. Let's get out of here."

Renesmee eyed the proffered hand through narrowed eyes. As if reading her mind, Jacob reassured with a nervous laugh. "Don't worry, you won't see me naked anytime soon."

"Damn right she won't!" Bella suddenly raged. She shot Jacob an angry look. "Is that what just happened? You revealed yourself to her?"

Edward resisted face-palming himself. Would Bella ever encompass vampire intelligence? Hell, human intelligence?

Before Jacob could answer, Renesmee responded loudly. "It was an accident, Mom. Come on, Jake. Let's go."

She couldn't explain why she'd defended him, but she was glad she did. As soon as she'd spoken, Jacob's face lit up with a smile so bright it almost put Edward to shame. Almost. She took his hand and climbed onto his back eagerly, her eyes subconsciously eying the seemingly shorter shorts hugging his narrow hips. She wouldn't admit it aloud, but seeing Jacob naked had been … the way his thighs had bulged, and his stomach had defined … well, it had been … kind of … inter—

"Don't even think about it, young lady."

_Oh right, forgot Daddy can hear me_ … She wrapped her body tighter around the chiseled man-teen beneath her. "Run fast, Jake—"

Jacob sped off before she could finish the thought.

* * *

"We're moving away."

Nobody said a word … for the first two seconds. Then all hell broke loose.

"Why? The weather here does wonders for my hair, I refuse to move!" screeched Rosalie.

"What about Charlie?" whispered Bella.

"Good. Let's go to Alaska, no one would notice a few missing Eskimos …" mused Jasper.

"But what about all my new friends?" wailed Renesmee.

Carlisle sighed, eying his granddaughter first. "You haven't made any new friends, Ness."

Renesmee looked away in irritation. _Sure, _now_ they notice her outburst …_

"We wouldn't be going far." Carlisle continued in a pleasant voice. "I was thinking we could try Canada for a little while. This way Jacob doesn't have to travel so far to see Nessie."

Renesmee's eyes shifted towards him once more. _Were they actually considering something for _her_ benefit? Wait, why was it is so important that Jacob see her?_

Edward suddenly spoke. "Well, I don't think there's much debate whether we're going or not."

Emmett, who was busy poking Rosalie in the shoulder—his new favorite pastime—suddenly looked interested in the conversation. "Why do you say that?"

But the psychotic eyelids spoke volumes more than anyone else could have. Alice came out of her trance and looked at Emmett with a smile. "Because I already saw it. We're going to Alaska, and don't worry, Jasper, I won't let you go crazy with their blood."

Jasper gave Alice a pained look. "Why, thank you, honey …" Edward's lips tugged at the corners—only he knew what Jasper was _really_ thinking.

"But what about Charlie? He hasn't noticed anything different about us for the past seven years, at least not that I've heard. I'm sure the rest of Forks is still as ignorant." offered Bella once more.

All eyes turned to Edward. They say opposites attract, and Edward was among the most intelligent in the family, as well as the most sparkliest. This _had_ to be the reason he'd chosen Bella, _it just had to_! He offered her a hand. She took it hesitantly, following him out onto the porch where they could talk 'alone.'

"I don't understand, Edward. Why do we have to leave?"

"Bella, my sweet, kind, and loving Bella. You do realize that Charlie has known all along how different we are?"

Bella blinked in response.

"It was only a matter of time."

"But … lots of people look the same when they're young. How could—"

"Nessie's rapid growth is a pretty straight giveaway."

Bella snarled. "Dammit, Nessie …"

Edward pulled her into a hug. "I know, I know. But now we have to deal with the consequences of unprotected sex. But on the bright side, now that you're a vampire, we can have all the sex we want."

Bella's eyes lit up immediately. "Oh, yes."

"So who cares if we move to Alaska, right?" His hands began roaming down the length of her body, practically encircling her waist for how thin she was—Emmett could never understand the appeal to such wiriness. To each his own, we can only assume …

But all rationale was out the window; Bella would have lit herself on fire if Edward had asked. Let's face it, any girl would have if Edward was groping and rubbing his sexy, glistening body against them.

Edward grinned. _Alaska, here we come …_

_

* * *

_**Just fyi, I'm thinking of making 'squirrels' a recurring theme in this story, they're just so cute and funny in a way lol. What do you think? Review please :)**


	5. Strange

**Alright, another chapter, even though the last one didn't get much feedback … hmmm, should I stop? This story is mainly for fun … *shrugs* Let me know. Enjoy!**

**I do not own any of Stephanie Meyer's work, solely the plot to this story.**

* * *

It was only when he entered the new high school's double doors that he realized something.

_Oh man, everyone looks pale here …_

If he didn't have such an acute sense of smell he might have mistaken a few of the locals for more blood-sucking, spine-tingling, oh-damn-we're-so-sexy vampire—

_Wait, getting off topic_ … Jacob surveyed the high school population, groaning inwardly when the vampire scent he'd been prepared to pick up finally filtered through his nose.

The Denali Clan.

It took all his willpower not to race back out of there, away from Alaska and back to Forks. _Nessie's here, remember that …_

Despite their earlier camaraderie, Tanya and Kate were an almost exact replica of Rosalie when it came to Jacob and the wolves.

_They're all total bit_—"Barbie! What do you know; we have a class togeth—"

"I don't know you here. Don't even think about sitting by me." She hissed, somehow managing to maintain her glamorous magnificence at the same time—really, ventriloquism should have been Rosalie's thing.

Jacob grinned like a maniac. Literally. He was too busy grinning to notice the identical twins that shrieked in fear when the towering Native American leered in their direction, a devilish spark in his eyes. Luckily for them Jacob stalked right past them.

It wasn't until he sat down—right next to Rosalie of course—that another shriek did catch his attention.

"Oh my God! It's _him_!"

_What the_—but Jacob didn't have time to finish the thought. Before he knew what was happening, a handful of pale, teenage girls had crowded around him, reaching and grabbing everything and anything that could be ripped away from his person, including his tight muscle shirt.

"I got his chewed up pencil!"

"I got a chunk of his hair!"

"I ripped off part of his eyebrow!"

"I ripped off his shirt!"

Jacob sat in stunned silence, shirtless and with a dropped jaw. Rosalie glanced at him in disgust. Just then the teacher walked in.

"Ok, class, today we're going over conic sections. Please pair up with—excuse me, sir, but why are you shirtless?"

Jacob pointed an accusing finger at the girl two desks down, whose face was hidden behind his T-shirt. He was worried she might drown; she was practically inhaling it. The teacher pursed his lips.

"Daisy, I'll need you to hand that T-shirt back. Just because Mr. Lautner is in our classroom does not mean we should behave out of the norm."

Jacob started. "But I'm not—"

Daisy wailed. "But Mr. Hanson! I must—"

"Now!"

She sulkily handed Jacob his shirt, eliciting a high pitched squeal when her hand brushed slightly against his. Jacob winced with the sound; being part mongrel had its cons as well. He quickly put his shirt back on, and then turned to the teacher.

"Sir, I'm not Taylor Laut—"

"Of course you're not. Taylor Lautner is just a pretty boy actor with rippling muscles that has no affinity whatsoever to you, Jacob Black."

Jacob looked confused. "I'm not—"

"Open your books to page forty seven, partner up with someone."

Jacob groaned as every girl in the class, excluding Rosalie, eagerly offered themselves—in more ways than just a math partner.

Rosalie huffed indignantly. She couldn't believe these idiotic humans. Really, was Alaska so meager in population they actually noticed the mongrel? "Oh stop drooling over him already! It's disgusting! Dog, get over here, you can be my partner."

For once, Jacob was grateful to the sparkly ice queen. He couldn't help wonder why people had confused him with Taylor Lautner. _I mean, yeah he's good-looking but, I can't possibly have such a feminine face … why would they think I'm him in the first place?_

_Hmmm …_

* * *

Something very weird was going on. Edward knew he was drop dead gorgeous. Everyone knew it, but the way these people were looking at him …

_Oh my God! He's even more gorgeous in person!_

_I wonder if he's here by himself … that mate of his couldn't possibly keep him interested for long._

Edward's eyes blazed.

_Oops, forgot about that. Act normal, act normal! Lalalalala, oh look outside! A squirrel!_

Inadvertently Edward's eyes veered towards the window. The tiny squirrel—it looked suspiciously familiar—seemed to let out a frightened squeak before scurrying off (though Edward hadn't the slightest clue where it was headed off to. This was Alaska! Were there even squirrels in Alaska?)

He needed to get out of here. Even the teacher seemed to be taken with him.

_Oh my—but he's so young—preposterous, shouldn't even think like that, ridiculous—_

He ran through his family's minds to see if anyone else had experienced anything strange … and narrowed his eyes.

_They all have …except Nessie, but that's not a surprise. She doesn't have as much sparkle power as we do …_

"Edward, could you recite the next piece, please?"

Edward raised an eyebrow. "Recite, ma'am?"

The teacher blushed and looked away hurriedly. "I-I mean, read, yes. There's no way a person could recite a Shakespearian piece, after all …"

Edward shrugged and began reading (reciting …). He knew the play by heart, of course, but surely this teacher shouldn't have known that …

_Act normal. He's glancing at me suspiciously, act normal!_

Luckily for Edward the bell rang at that exact moment. Good thing too, the sun was just beginning to peak through the frostbitten window. Strange things were happening, and with this kind of luck the humans might actually catch a glimpse of his glistening ability.

He rushed out of the classroom.

* * *

"Edward, what the hell is going on?" Rosalie demanded.

They say huddled in a far corner table of the cafeteria, away from the rest of the student body. Old habbits die hard. Even the Denali Clan seemed to know the importance of mingling in with humans—Tanya enjoyed being a part of the 'popular group' on a regular basis. She insisted it made for a great cover.

Edward shook his head. "I'm not sure. It's as if they already know us. Who we are. Who we _really_ are. But they haven't exactly thought anything that verifies it."

"You don't think the Volturri—"

"No, mom," Renesmee interrupted irritably, "the Volturri want the exact opposite. They don't want our existence to be known."

"And the stranger thing," cut in Alice, whose eyes rolled back from their happy place, "is that I can't see a thing. It's almost as if they knew exactly how to avoid our gifts. Like Edward said, they know us."

"Except me, they don't know me that well," added Renesmee, with a bit of a hopeful grin.

The Cullens stayed silent for a while. Renesmee offered another piece of Salisbury steak to Jacob—who was hiding underneath the table in hopes of avoiding the stalkerish girls. Finally, Jasper pointed an accusing finger across the table.

"You."

Renesmee looked startled, more for the fact that she was the center of attention for once, "What about me?"

"They don't notice you like the rest of us." Jasper said quietly.

Emmett snorted. "When do they ever? No offense, Ness."

Renesmee sighed warily but didn't respond. It was obvious there was more to Jasper's conjecture—who was looking more excited (crazed) by the second.

"Think about it. What does Nessie have that we don't have? Or better yet, what does she not have?"

Bella looked confused. "Well, she doesn't sparkle like we do but—"

"Exactly!"

It took a few moments for Bella to realize she had actually gotten something right for once. She beamed and continued. "So then you're saying that because we sparkle, the Volturri told these humans—"

"No, no, no!" Jasper sighed in exasperation. He threw Edward a 'really-you-chose-her' look but continued. "Nessie doesn't sparkle like we do. So our sparkle has something to do with their familiarity to us, but not her."

A soft whine came from under the table, at which Renesmee absentmindedly handed down another piece of meat. Jacob took it with a hearty chuckle (growl).

"We need to talk to Carlisle as soon as we get home," Edward was saying. "I don't know why they would know us but not the Denali's—"

"Didn't we just have a meeting before we came here?" pointed out Bella.

"Yes, but that's nothing new, Bella. Vegetarian vampires always have meetings, it's another thing that comes with being sparkly." Offered Jasper.

She nodded, the look of confusion still very apparent on her face.

The seven vampires—wait, one of them _half_-vampire—rose at the same time seconds before the bell rang. They needed to figure out what was going on and fast.

Renesmee couldn't help the small smile that tugged at her lips: for once, not being as sparkly was a good thing.

* * *

**Review please :)**


	6. Human Rights

**So it's been a while lol, but it can't be helped when other stories receive more attention (what the public wants, they get?). In either case this story was mainly for fun so it will proceed whenever possible ;) Thank you so much to those who reviewed, especially when there seems to be somewhat of a freeze haha. Love you all, enjoy!**

**I do not own any of Stephanie Meyer's work, solely the plot to this story.**

* * *

They pushed through into the house-mansion-like building two at a time. Rosalie insisted she be allowed to enter by herself—an incentive that came with being exceptionally beautiful—and yet Emmett managed to squeeze in beside her at the last second, throwing her slightly off-balance and rustling her hair.

"My hair!"

"Sorry, babe, let me fix that for yo—"

"Back! Back I say!" she screeched dramatically. Edward cast her an irritated glance and Rosalie mentally shut down. As much as she thought otherwise, she could never deny that having Edward for a mate—gorgeous, sophisticated, serious, smooth Edward—would have been much more ideal. That someone that attractive would end up with someone like Bella … Rosalie shook her head quickly, relieving herself of the temptation to think: opposites attract indeed, Edward was much too perfect for—

"Bella!

Bella blinked, having been staring at Edward's slightly exposed midriff. For some unknown reason, he insisted on buying these kind of shirts, the kind that just barely covered to the edge of his waistline, so that whenever he leaned back or raised his arms, a patch of pearly, chiseled skin shone through, in the most luscious, and irresistible—

"Bella! Pay attention!"

If she could have blushed, she would have. "Sorry, I was distracted. Please, proceed."

Rosalie shook her head in disgust. _Much too perfect for her …_

"So it seems our nature is already known to these humans. And yet, there is no verification as to this theory."

"I have an idea." Jasper suddenly intervened. Before he could reveal it to the family, however, Edward sighed and cut in.

"We can't just pick a human and charm them into telling us the truth. It goes against the Cullen Code of Honor."

"Who said anything about charming? I was thinking more along the lines of tortu—"

"What's the Cullen Code of Honor?"

For once Edward looked irritated with his wife. "It's a list of things us vegetarian vampires can't do. And disrespect human rights is one of them."

Emmett scoffed. "Disrespect human rights. What kind of law is that anyway?"

"One even the States government follows rigidly. So we can't risk just breaking them in one go."

Bella nodded enthusiastically. "I agree. The government never corrupts people's rights. And we can't either."

Alice raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. Outside a squirrel banged his head against a nut.

"Moving on," Carlisle continued, "we also know that despite the humans' assumed knowledge, they know nothing of Nessie, presumably due to her lack of sparkle."

"Ooh! I have an idea!"

"And so," he said, as if Renesmee hadn't spoken a word, "here is what I propose: we use Nessie as an undercover human."

"That's what I was going to say!"

"Nessie, be quiet. Carlisle is talking." Bella snapped.

Renesmee slumped in her chair.

"She can befriend some of the humans, it shouldn't be too difficult, even for Nessie."

"Hey, what about the Denali's? Aren't they already—"

"No, Jacob. It has to be one of us. We don't want to endanger the Denalis anymore than we already have." Edward explained.

"But what if they want to hurt her or something? Why can't I do it?"

Esme laughed. "Jacob, you're too sweet. But you're in the same boat with us. Though I can't see what the incentive is since you don't shine at all."

The Cullens stayed silent, pondering why Jacob was just as 'known' as they were—with the exception of Renesmee. It lasted all of half a second.

"The muscles." Edward said.

Everyone agreed. Bella was still confused.

"It's an uncanny sign of 'hotness', my dear. And Jacob, as much as I hate to admit, has bulging muscles. It's his version of 'sparkle' if you will."

"If I will what?" Bella asked.

"Jacob is hot, Bella. Extremely hot. And so are we. Except Nessie." Alice offered. "And so maybe this is why they include Jacob in whatever is going on here."

Bella nodded, though it was obvious she still didn't understand.

Renesmee, meanwhile, sat with narrowed eyes. She couldn't believe the gall of her family. She sighed. _At least Jake likes me …_

* * *

"Ok, so when I say go, you go. Got it?"

Renesmee grit her teeth. She hated when they talked to her like she was as stupid as her mother. "Got it."

"And remember to swing your hips."

"Ok."

"And smile! Remember to smile!"

"Smile. Check."

"Even if your smile is only mediocre…"

She sighed. Getting people to like her should not be so difficult. She strode forward confidently, her long legs seemingly longer with the pumps Rosalie had insisted she 'needed to make any kind of impression'. A short skirt and a tight tube top accompanied the ensemble, along with a ridiculous mane of curls that hung past her shoulders in soft waves.

"You look hot, Ness. And that's saying something." Alice had assured her.

"Gorgeous, darling. Absolutely gorgeous." Esme had crooned.

"Eh." Rosalie had said.

As for her father and the rest of the males in the house …

"Decent. But don't you dare come crying if you don't bag a human by the end of the day." Warned Jasper.

"Aww look at the little munchkin!" laughed Emmett.

"You look … like …" Edward's eyes had gone wide, his glance travelling over his own body and that of his wife's, and then back to his daughter's. With a frown, he simply pushed her away from himself. "Go. Don't let me see you like that for too long. It's unhealthy."

Renesmee couldn't be sure, but for a moment she thought she saw her father put on an extra coat of hairspray and cologne. _Hmmm, could it be he actually thinks I look attractive? Finally getting some of his and mom's genes?_

In either case, the new apparel did make her feel one thing—

"What the hell is that?"

Renesmee frowned. "It's mandatory, Jake."

But Jake was past the point of listening. His eyes were as wide as saucers and his jaw dropped almost comically. He raked over her figure, his gaze stopping towards her midsection for a suspiciously long time.

She pursed her lips. "Jake, I'm up here."

Still no reaction. Though she did notice the way his hands suddenly disappeared. _Why is he covering his groi—_

"Got to go!" he suddenly yelped, and then, without warning and not bothering to hide from any onlookers, he turned and phased in midair, racing as fast as he could towards any kind of shelter. Though it was obvious it would take awhile with the vast expanse of the ice landscape.

Renesmee rolled her eyes, glancing to each side to see if anyone had noticed a large wolf erupting out of a human. Luckily no one seemed to notice at all. Which she found quite strange actually … _hmmm_ … the only thing she saw was a small squirrel peeking out from behind a car tire.

Apparently enormous, fluffy wolves were somewhat of a commodity in Alaska.

_Oh well_, Renesmee thought, _time to get this show on the road_. And with that, she pulled her shirt down a bit, squeezed her breasts together, and began the twenty-yard walk towards the school entrance.

Ignoring completely, the fact, that slutty apparel as such was absolutely ridiculous in Alaskan weather.

* * *

**Review please :)**


End file.
